Books by Austen, Jane
- Austen, Jane and Seth Grahame-Smith.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
Philadelphia: Quirk Books, 2009.
ISBN 978-1-59474-334-4.
-
Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice
is the quintessential British Regency era novel of manners. Originally
published in 1813, it has been endlessly adapted to the stage, film,
and television, and has been a staple of English literature classes
from the Victorian era through post-post-modern de-deconstructionist
decadence. What generations of litterateurs missed, however, is its
fundamental shortcoming: there aren't any zombies in it!
That's where the present volume comes in.
This work preserves 85% of Jane Austen's original text and names
her as the primary author (hey, if you can't have a dead author
in a zombie novel, where can you?), but enhances the
original story with “ultraviolent zombie mayhem”
seamlessly woven into the narrative. Now, some may consider
this a travesty and desecration of a literary masterwork, but
look at this way: if F-14s are cool and tyrannosaurs are cool,
imagine how cool
tyrannosaurs
in F-14s
would be? Adopting this
Calvinist
approach allows one to properly appreciate what has been done here.
The novel is set in an early 19th century England
afflicted for five and fifty years with the “strange plague” that causes the
dead to rise and stagger across the countryside alone or in packs,
seeking to kill and devour the succulent brains of the living.
Any scratch inflicted by one of these creatures (variously referred
to as “unmentionables”, “sorry stricken”,
“manky dreadfuls”, “Satan's armies”, “undead”, or
simply “zombies”) can infect the living with the
grievous affliction and transform them into another compulsive cranium
cruncher. The five Bennet sisters have been sent by their
father to be trained in the deadly arts by masters in
China and have returned a formidable fighting force, sworn
by blood oath to the Crown to defend Hertfordshire against the
zombie peril until the time of their marriage. There is nothing
their loquacious and rather ditzy mother wants more than to see
her five daughters find suitable matches, and she fears their
celebrated combat credentials and lack of fortune will deter
the wealthy and refined suitors she imagines for them. The
central story is the contentious relations and blossoming romance
between Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy, a high-born zombie killer
extraordinaire whose stand-offish manner is initially interpreted as
arrogance and disdain for the humble Bennets. Can such fierce
and proud killers find love and embark upon a life fighting alongside
one another in monster murdering matrimony?
The following brief extracts give a sense of what you're getting into
when you pick up this book. None are really plot spoilers, but I've
put them into a spoiler block nonetheless because some folks might
want to encounter these passages in context to fully enjoy the roller
coaster ride between the refined and the riotous.
- From a corner of the room, Mr. Darcy watched Elizabeth
and her sisters work their way outward, beheading zombie
after zombie as they went. He knew of only one other
woman in Great Britain who wielded a dagger with such skill,
such grace, and deadly accuracy.
By the time the girls reached the walls of the assembly
hall, the last of the unmentionables lay still.
Apart from the attack, the evening altogether passed off
pleasantly for the whole family. Mrs. Bennet had seen
her eldest daughter much admired by the Netherfield
party. … (Chapter 3)
- Elizabeth, to whom Jane very soon communicated the chief
of all this, heard it in silent indignation. Her heart
was divided between concern for her sister, and thoughts
of going immediately to town and dispensing the lot of
them.
“My dear Jane!” exclaimed Elizabeth,
“you are too good. Your sweetness and
disinterestedness are really angelic; you wish to think
all the world respectable, and are hurt if I speak of
killing anybody for any reason! …”
(Chapter 24)
- But why Mr. Darcy came so often to the Parsonage, it was
more difficult to understand. It could not be for
society, as he frequently sat there ten minutes
together without opening his lips; and when he did speak,
it seemed the effect of necessity rather than choice.
He seldom appeared really animated, even at the sight of
Mrs. Collins gnawing upon her own hand. What remained
of Charlotte would liked to have believed this change
the effect of love, and the object of that love her
friend Eliza. She watched him whenever they were at
Rosings, and whenever he came to Hunsford; but without
much success, for her thoughts often wandered to other
subjects, such as the warm, succulent sensation of biting
into a fresh brain. …
In her kind schemes for Elizabeth, she sometimes planned
her marrying Colonel Fitzwilliam. He was beyond comparison
the most pleasant man; he certainly admired her, and his
situation in life was most eligible; but to counterbalance
these advantages, Mr. Darcy had a considerably larger head,
and thus, more brains to feast upon. (Chapter 32)
- “When they all removed to Brighton, therefore, you
had no reason, I suppose, to believe them fond of each other?”
“Not the slightest. I can remember no symptom of affection
on either side, other than her carving his name into her midriff
with a dagger; but this was customary with Lydia. …”
(Chapter 47)
- He scarcely needed an invitation to stay for supper; and before
he went away, an engagement was formed, chiefly through his own
and Mrs. Bennet's means, for his coming next morning to shoot
the first autumn zombies with her husband. (Chapter 55)
- You may as well call it impertinence. It was very little
else. The fact is, you were sick of civility, of deference,
of officious attention. You were disgusted with the women
who were always speaking, and looking, and thinking for
your approbation alone. I roused, and interested
you because I was so unlike them. I knew the joy
of standing over a vanquished foe; of painting my face and
arms with their blood, yet warm, and screaming to the
heavens—begging, nay daring, God to send me more enemies
to kill. The gentle ladies who so assiduously courted you knew
nothing of this joy, and therefore, could never offer you true
happiness. … (Chapter 60)
The novel concludes with zombies still stalking England; all attempts
to find a serum, including Lady Catherine's, having failed, and
without hope for a negotiated end to hostilities. Successful
diplomacy requires not only good will but brains. Zombies do not have
brains; they eat them. So life goes on, and those who find married
bliss must undertake to instruct their progeny in the deadly arts
which defend the best parts of life from the darkness.
The book includes a “Reader's Discussion Guide”
ideal for classroom and book club exploration of themes
raised in the novel. For example:
10. Some scholars believe that the zombies were a last-minute
addition to the novel, requested by the publisher in a
shameless attempt to boost sales. Others argue that the
hordes of living dead are integral to Jane Austen's plot and
social commentary. What do you think? Can you imagine what
this novel might be without the violent zombie mayhem?
Beats me.
Of course this is going to be made into a movie—patience!
A comic book edition,
set of postcards, and a
2011 wall calendar ideal for holiday giving
are already
available—go
merchandising!
Here is a chart
which will help you sort out the relationships among the many characters in
both Jane Austen's original novel and this one.
While this is a parody, whilst reading it I couldn't help but recall
Herman Kahn's parable of the lions in
New York City. Humans are almost infinitely adaptable and
can come to consider almost any situation normal once they've
gotten used to it. In this novel zombies are something
one lives with as one of the afflictions of mortal life like
tuberculosis and crabgrass, and it is perfectly normal for young ladies
to become warriors because that's what circumstances require. It gives
one pause to think how many things we've all come to consider
unremarkable in our own lives might be deemed bizarre and/or
repellent from the perspective of those of another epoch or
observing from a different cultural perspective.
May 2010 